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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915113">Kakashi Hatake: Romance Author</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockRepair/pseuds/ClockRepair'>ClockRepair</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Meta, Multi, Parody, Sexual Humor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:07:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,323</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915113</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockRepair/pseuds/ClockRepair</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dissatisfied with Icha Icha Paradise’s final installment, Kakashi pens his own romance novel. With zero creative ideas, he has to turn to the Rookie 12 and other people in his life for inspiration. What Kakashi wasn’t expecting was the novel becoming a series and the series becoming a massive hit. CRACK.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akimichi Chouji/Karui, Mitarashi Anko/Umino Iruka, Nara Shikamaru/Temari, Sai/Yamanaka Ino</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Birth of an Author</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>In-universe but obviously a crack story since dead characters have been revived and for other stuff that's going to happen later on... Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kakashi threw down his orange book in a fit of rage and screamed, not caring how many noise complaints he would incur.</p><p>Kakashi Hatake had endured a lifetime of tragedies that would break an ordinary person. His father’s suicide, his crush’s murder alongside his best friend’s sacrifice, and even the separation of his found family at the hands of Orochimaru. All of those experiences hurt and chipped away at his soul every time he ruminated on them. But in all of his years, none of his past tragedies managed to offend him like this poor excuse of an ending for the bestselling and widely popular series, Icha Icha Paradise.</p><p>The character motivations changed at the drop of a hat, the pairings were all split up and mismatched, and the sex scenes – oh, the sex scenes! – were robotic and had as much descriptive prose as the nutrition section on the back of a cereal box. Jiraiya was a real wordsmith who knew how to describe the graceful curve of a woman’s breast and make it sound classy while still giving a man a boner. His craft was a thing of wonder, which was another reason his death via drowning was such a heavy blow: his famous work had to be finished posthumously by his editors, who shaped the ending based off of the haphazard notes the old sannin left behind. And there wasn’t a lot of them.</p><p>Kakashi marched out of his apartment in the middle of the night for some air and found himself walking to his favourite place, the local bookstore. He stood there for hours until the sun rose and then some hours more. The bored teenage employee eventually arrived and opened the store, letting him in to accomplish his goal of finding a new adult series to love.</p><p>He holed himself inside his apartment for weeks on end and read everything. Historical romance, paranormal romance, cowboy romance, and even a subgenre called Amish romance and that one had to be the most boring. Although mostly entertaining, Kakashi couldn’t find anything to fill the void that Icha Icha Paradise had left in his heart.</p><p>That’s when the Copy Nin got the brilliant idea to write his own adult series. If you can’t find what you want, then write what you want. Who knows, he might even be able to make a buck or two, and develop a hobby to explore his pent-up childhood tragedies, PTSD from his time as a child soldier, and ongoing trauma as a shinobi. Or at least that last bit was what Shizune had said during his yearly check-up before he tuned her out.</p><p>People were growing concerned about Kakashi’s mental health and thought it was a good idea to invite him to the picnic Konohagakure was hosting to celebrate peace after the war. Kakashi reluctantly agreed, his eyes glued to his laptop screen as he quickly typed something up with his index fingers, and people generally left him alone because at least he seemed content.</p><p>
  <em>She sat in the bed, wearing nothing but the garter he gifted her, and stared with bashful excitement and slight apprehension at the sight of her lover’s swollen…</em>
</p><p>Hm… Kakashi tapped his chin, wondering what was another good substitution for penis? He’d used “manhood” too many times already and he thought the word “cock” was too unattractive. Just made him imagine chickens, which made him think of that one good fried chicken place that burned down, and his mood soured again.</p><p>What was he trying to figure out again?</p><p>“My salami!” cried a familiar voice.</p><p>Kakashi looked up from his screen to witness a despondent Naruto kneeling on the ground, trying to salvage what was left of his salami and mozzarella sandwich that had fallen in the grass. Sakura punched the boy in the head before he could place it back on his plate.</p><p>“No, my salami…” he continued, face-planted in the dirt.</p><p>Kakashi had his<em>aha!</em>moment and resumed typing.</p><p>
  <em>She sat in the bed, wearing nothing but the garter he gifted her, and stared with bashful excitement and slight apprehension at the sight of her lover’s swollen salami.</em>
</p><p>“Hey Kakashi-sensei,” hollered Iruka. “What are you doing? Come here and line up before the buffet runs out!”</p><p>Kakashi sighed and decided it was time for a break as the thought of fried chicken and salami sandwiches peaked his hunger. He raised his hitai-ate and activated the Sharingan, copying his writing to memory, before deleting his work in case anyone tried sneaking a peak or stealing the laptop while he was away.</p><p>“Took you long enough,” said Iruka, handing the man a plate, some napkins, and cutlery.</p><p>“Yeah, what were you working so hard on?” Anko asked cheekily, not-so gently elbowing Kakashi in the rib. “Creating an online dating profile and messaging the hot locals in your area?”</p><p>Iruka scoffed while he scooped mashed potato onto his plate. “I hardly think that’s what he was doing, Anko.”</p><p>“Hey, don’t knock it until you try it! I’ve gotten some pretty decent people in my rotation.” Anko replied, sticking her tongue out at the chuunin instructor and Kakashi had to pull his plate away when her tongue almost grazed his salad. “Even got set up with Ibiki on the last date, but that didn’t work out. Maybe I’ll tell you about it some time if you want.”</p><p>Iruka and Kakashi glanced over at Ibiki, who was sitting cross-legged under a tree, slowly shovelling a spoonful of buttered corn into his mouth with a – dare they call it – <em>haunted</em>look in his eyes. Iruka and Kakashi quickly made eye contact and shuddered, declining Anko’s kind offer.</p><p>Kakashi followed the two ninjas, letting them converse while he was lost in thought, trying to generate ideas for his book. He had the sex scenes down pat, but it was everything else in between that he needed: a plot, backstory, and, most importantly, characters! He never thought it was so difficult to come up with cool, dynamic characters and their relationships with one another.</p><p>Letting Iruka and Anko outpace him, Kakashi turned around and went back to his original seat where he left his laptop, but pocketed the idea of a scary woman and a tight-laced square for future reference. His table now seated other people too and he slid in quietly, hoping that they would ignore him.</p><p>To his left, Naruto was still pouting over his sandwich, which was now just a slice of bread with some mustard and onions on it. The boy picked at it listlessly with his fork, sending “look at me” expressions to his teammate seated beside him, but she was preoccupied talking to the other blonde-haired and blue-eyed friend sitting across from her. Kakashi couldn’t help but overhear as Yamanaka Ino loudly complained that Shikamaru had hit her with the watermelon on purpose.</p><p>“Ino, he was blindfolded and you shouldn’t have stood so close to the splash zone,” reasoned Sakura. “It could have been worse. He could have smacked you instead of the watermelon!”</p><p>The girl growled. “No, he’s just been super distracted because he keeps requesting missions to go to the Land of Sand. Imagine using work as an excuse to flirt with foreigners!”</p><p>“There’s no proof that Shikamaru is seeing her though,” Chouji spoke in-between bites of his chips, and Kakashi used his deductive skills to figure out the Nara genius was apparently dating the female Sand Sibling. “And I think we should be happy for him if they want to be together.”</p><p>“Well who asked you!” screeched Ino.</p><p>Now that was quite the love polygon, especially when you considered adding other people to it too for extra drama.</p><p>Finished with his food and looking for a chance to give his ears a break, Kakashi got up to throw away his plate. He nearly toppled over the heaping pile of paper plates and cups that were precariously balanced on top of the bin, but the people sitting beside it barely noticed.</p><p>Hyuuga Neji and Uchiha Sasuke were engaging in an arm wrestling contest and were so evenly matched that their arms barely moved, looking like they were holding hands in a really odd position. Hinata was standing over the two, relegated to the role of their referee, eyes shifting nervously between her cousin and the Uchiha. Kakashi took a second longer to gaze at the boys and noted how they could have been really good friends in another life. Both hailed from prestigious clans, both had traumatic childhoods caused by the pressures from said prestigious clans, both had a penchant for billowy tops (Neji in white and Sasuke in a shade so blue it was nearly black), and both had freaky eyes. And as the gray-haired ninja took Hinata’s presence into consideration, he realized that she and Sasuke could have had amazing chemistry in another life too.</p><p>Oh well. C’est la vie.</p><p>If only in another life, or in a work of fiction.  </p><p>Kakashi walked to the refreshment table as the sandwiches at this picnic were awfully dry. He knew the Hidden Leaf had fallen on some tough times, but they couldn’t offer anymore condiments?</p><p>He could hear Rock Lee’s happy, youthful boasts about the importance of remaining… well, happy and youthful before he made it there. It was obvious that Inuzuka Kiba was the source of the green beast’s tirade as he stood, arms crossed, looking irritated. He had been volunteered to hand out fruit punch and lemonade when all he wanted to do was smack the punchbowl against Rock Lee’s head. Tenten stood in line and tried to de-escalate the situation, urging Rock Lee just to pick a beverage and leave the poor boy alone. She practically perked up when she spotted Kakashi approaching and told Kiba to serve the older man first.</p><p>Kakashi pondered what he wanted more – fruit punch or lemonade, fruit punch or lemonade, lemonade or fruit punch? – while lazily looking at the Naruto-wannabe scowling in front of him before side-eying the squabbling pair beside him.</p><p>Hmm… so much raw power and natural instinct from the Inuzuka and so much hard work and dedication from Lee. How would a level-headed girl choose between such vastly different boys if she had to pick? Kakashi confused Kiba by asking for a mixture of both fruit punch and lemonade in the same glass and the jounin walked away, formulating another idea.</p><p>Walking back to his seat with a bounce in his step, Kakashi spotted Sai and Shino standing under the balloon arch. Shino proudly showed off one of his bugs, letting the creature climb off his hand and onto Sai’s outstretched finger. Sai smiled his weird little smile in response and the whole scene just seemed so weirdly intimate.</p><p>If he was honest, Kakashi would admit that Sai was a poor man’s Uchiha Sasuke with a sadder past – which was really saying something – but the boy appeared somewhat happy in the Aburame’s company. Sai and Shino were just… the outcasts. The ones who didn’t receive enough attention from their peers. Maybe it was because they were both extremely quiet and reserved, and not in the cutesy way like Hinata or the socially inept way like Sasuke or even the “too-intimidating-to-talk-to” way like Neji. They were just the forgotten ones and somehow found each other.</p><p>Kakashi took a pause to consider the direction of this story and realized that there was room, not to mention a market, for those kinds of stories too. After all, with so many three-man teams having one girl and two boys, there was always a few teams where the two boys managed to fall in love instead. Kakashi nodded his head. Yup, he was going to do it.</p><p>With newfound inspiration, Kakashi took his laptop and rushed home to write before anyone could stop him, or ask why he was so giddy.</p><p>Sitting down at his work desk, Kakashi decided he’d change the names later and that everything would turn out okay.</p><p>Spoiler alert: it didn’t.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Book 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So chapters of this story will be released very quickly. I usually don’t upload a chapter until I have the next one written. This way, I can have a clear idea of where my story is going, and have time to fix any continuity mistakes. Well I’ve been writing two chapters a day so this story is nearly finished.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kakashi submitted his query letter and manuscript on a whim. He didn’t start his personal writing project with the hopes of being published, but to vent out his frustrations. Proud of his work and not knowing what to do next, he found the contact information for Jiraiya’s former agent and wrote them an e-mail just to see what would happen. Imagine Kakashi’s shock when the agent contacted him a few hours later, demanding to read the rest of Kakashi’s manuscripts. The agent happened to be looking for the next big thing and thought the Copy Nin had some real potential. Soon the rights for his books were sold to the biggest publishing house in Fire Country for a hefty price. Such a high number, in fact, that Kakashi balked when he saw the amount of commas on the cheque and had to double-check if it was a scam.</p>
<p>Suddenly, the publishing company was halting production on their previous and current works in order to fast-track Kakashi’s debut, citing it the next big thing since Icha Icha, and that’s when the jounin realized the trouble he was getting himself into. If that first book did well enough, and he had a feeling it would, then the rest of the books were ready to be released and the content/characters could easily get back to the people who inspired them. Kakashi considered running off with his money, as it was enough to retire with, and that wasn’t even including the money he would make from sales. However, since the Copy Nin was smart enough to use a pen name (and for the sake of the continuation of this story), Kakashi decided to say, “fuck it” and stay in the village to see how long it would take before they figured it out.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Iruka was sitting in his favourite restaurant, papers spread before him, as he catered this summer’s lesson plans. It was his day off and the humidity was unbearable so he shrugged off his standard-issued vest and looked more casual than he had in a long time. Granted, he was still in a long-sleeved top and cargo pants that would make a normal person sweat, but the Uminos were a conservatively dressed family and Iruka was going to carry out that tradition even if he was the only one left.</p>
<p>In stark contrast to his attire, Anko sauntered up to him wearing nothing but a black bralette under a mesh top and her usual mini skirt. It should be noted that the only reason why she was wearing a bralette at all, rather than going braless like she usually did, was due to the heat making her discard her long, tan jacket that would have covered her nipples. Normally, she wouldn’t have cared if anyone saw her nipples. They should have been grateful and told her thank you for allowing them to see her hot body. However, most civilians had a no shirt, no service policy no matter how terrifying the kunoichi was.</p>
<p>Iruka smiled politely at the woman before returning his focus on his paperwork. He’d never get used to seeing so much of Anko even though what she showed off was nice to look at. She used that lack of attention to swipe a pork bun from his plate and plunkered down on the seat across from him.</p>
<p>“It’s a beautiful day and you’re spending your time here grading papers, Iruka-<em>sensei</em>?” Her voice was laced with sarcasm, poking fun at his need to use the appropriate honorific or sign of respect for people. In her opinion, the only person who needed to be spoken to with respect was the Hokage. Otherwise, you were just wasting your time with formalities.  </p>
<p>“I’m not grading anything,” he said, shuffling some of the papers. “I’m figuring out <em>how </em>I’m going to grade my students.”</p>
<p>Anko slumped in her seat and made a show of yawning loudly. “Boring! When are you going to let me set you up with someone? You’re not getting younger, y’know, and an uptight guy like you will always have work to do. Why not go out and make a real connection with a nice gal?”</p>
<p>Iruka raised his eyebrows, looking skeptical.</p>
<p>“You mean the connection you had with Ibiki?” he asked, pointing the tip of his pen at the towering figure seated a few tables behind Anko. Ibiki was sitting alone, both hands around a teeny tiny teacup, staring into it shell-shocked. “What did you do to him?”</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t you like to find out?” Anko winked at him and Iruka cursed himself for the heat creeping up his neck and his scarred cheeks. </p>
<p>There was a high-pitched squeal, followed by the sound of a knee hitting the bottom of a table, and Anko was about to laugh at the Chuunin’s response when Iruka shook his head.</p>
<p>“That wasn’t me,” he mouthed.</p>
<p>Anko got on her knees to peak over her side of the booth and flashed Iruka with a good view of her thighs, maybe even a glimpse of something more, when she turned back and shook her head. Getting out of the booth, she marched to the booth on Iruka’s side and he shook himself out of his dazed stupor to follow her.</p>
<p>Staring back at them were two teen girls who couldn’t be older than eighteen. They were obviously civilians based on their fashionable clothes, flower crowns that had become stylish as of late, and lack of a hitai-ate. However, what was peculiar was their lack of food. Instead, they had a simple pot of complimentary tea that was provided at every table and a pair of binoculars and a camera. This was not what they were expecting.</p>
<p>Anko’s reactionary instincts kicked in.</p>
<p>She placed her foot on the end of the table and shoved it hard into the wall with a loud <em>thump!</em>that seemed to shake the entire restaurant. Iruka sputtered and looked back at the restaurant owner, silently apologizing and gesturing to him that he would resolve this issue. He turned back to Anko, but the kunoichi had her focus trained on the two girls, who were now pale-faced and avoiding eye contact with the woman. Though that could have been due to her foot that was still perched on the table, giving them an up-close and personal view of her underwear (if she was even wearing any).</p>
<p>“Anko, please stop! They’re just civilians!” he said, desperately pleading with her to calm down or they both might get kicked out of the restaurant.</p>
<p>One of the girls gasped delightedly despite the situation she was in and whispered to her friend. “Hear that, Chiaki? I told you we got it right!”</p>
<p>“What do you mean by that?” Iruka asked patiently, holding back Anko before she did something drastic. “Right about what?”</p>
<p>The girl Chiaki spoke up. “Sorry, Mr. Ninja. We’ve been trying to talk to you for the last few days after we heard your name was Iruka. It’s so close to the love interest in our favourite book whose name is Iriya! He’s a humble, young teaching assistant whose dream is to become principal at his elementary school just like his father who died when he was a child. You just fit his physical description so well and then we found out you were a teacher too and then your name…!”</p>
<p>Anko slid her foot off the table so she wasn’t posed for another assault. She slipped into a more relaxed stance, finally realizing these girls weren’t a threat sent from Orochimaru, and looked annoyed. “And what does this have to do with me?”</p>
<p>The other girl spoke next. “Well Iriya’s love interest is a woman named Aiko who was a former gang member who barely escaped with her life when she turned on the gang leader. She’s free-spirited and crass and is so cool! When you approached Iruka-Ninja’s table, it was like watching a scene from the book come alive!”</p>
<p>“We couldn’t help it!” Chiaki squealed and both girls started giggling.</p>
<p>Iruka and Anko looked at each other, the whole situation getting a little too silly for their tastes.</p>
<p>“Well that does weirdly fit us to a T,” said Anko.</p>
<p>“Too weird,” Iruka muttered, shaking his head. “What is this book?”</p>
<p>Chiaki dug through her bag and proffered a well-loved paperback. It had a green cover with a close-up of a man’s well-defined pecs, barely contained by the white shirt with buttons struggling to stay closed, and a woman’s well-endowed breasts in a sheer top.</p>
<p>“Redeem Me,” Anko said, reading the title aloud. “The first installment in the bestselling Opposites Attract: Crime and Civilian Saga.”</p>
<p>“By M.G. Lee?” shrugged Iruka. “Never heard of them.”</p>
<p>Turning the book over, they both read the book description, which basically repeated what the two girls had told them about their characters. Except this time, they discovered that Aiko’s character was employed at Iriya’s elementary school as a janitor under duplicitous reasons, lying about her identity as she was struggling to find employment. The driving plot of the book was Aiko’s conflict over falling for Iriya, the teaching assistant, knowing she was possibly putting his young students in danger and burying her gang-affiliated past before it caught up with her.</p>
<p>Iruka opened up the paperback and flipped to a random page near the end and started reading.</p>
<p>
  <em>Aiko feasted her eyes on Iriya’s ripe backside and smacked it hard with the leather strap. He flinched but didn’t make a sound. She smiled and smacked him again and again, each hit stronger than the last. Who knew such a goody two-shoes was into her kind of kink?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“What are you waiting for?” he asked, voice rough with desire. “I told you to stop toying with me. I can handle it.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Aiko laughed and started approaching the newly promoted principal, stroking the strap-on that would rock his world.</em>
</p>
<p>That was all Iruka could take before blood gushed out of his nose in a high arc, staining the wall red, and he fainted while the owner shouted that he was now banned for life. Anko caught the book before it fell and read over the passage that rendered the man beside her unconscious.</p>
<p>“Oh hey, that’s kind of what happened to me and Ibiki!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don’t know if anyone caught it, but the first chapter made a reference to the movie 10 Things I Hate About You. There’s a guidance counsellor who writes erotica during work and she uses the word “bratwurst” (a sausage) when she can’t think of another word for manhood. My use of “salami” was an homage to that movie. Also, pay attention to the mention of flower crowns. That gets mentioned again in an upcoming chapter :D</p>
<p>Thanks for reading.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Book 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kakashi broke a cardinal rule by seeking out negative reviews. He remembered Jiraiya saying that most published authors didn’t like to read negative reviews of their work because, more often than not, they would come across a particularly scathing review that would upset them for the rest of the day. However, Kakashi had faced death more times than he cold count and thought he could risk it, deciding he was made of sterner stuff than your average civilian. He wanted to see what the general consensus was and how his little series was faring amongst the regular folk.</p>
<p>The Copy Nin was unsurprised when he saw the lowest rated and most controversial book was the one featuring Shino and Sai – oh, he meant Shiho and Shin! – but was disappointed anyway. He considered it some of his best work since he had never been with a man and had to get creative, if not a little anatomically inaccurate.</p>
<p>Hmm... maybe that explained some of the the backlash.</p>
<hr/>
<p>It was safe to say that Sai didn’t know how to interact with people. Being adopted into Team Kakashi was a real culture shock and he didn’t know if interacting with them made his social skills better or worse.</p>
<p>Naruto was loud in both volume and sight, the Uzumaki’s orange clothing blinding him at times. Their female teammate, Sakura, was no better as she clashed her bright, pink hair with an even brighter red dress. Sai would never admit that he found the girl rather attractive, preferring to rile her up by calling her Ugly, but he would never make a move on her. Sakura was so strong that the shockwaves from her punches broke through solid concrete and reverberated through his bones. He blanched at the thought of what those very same hands could do to his penis and he banished the thought of her as a potential partner.</p>
<p>Their team leader was too easy-going for his tastes and then there was that Uchiha who defected the village and returned. That man had a more messed up childhood than Sai’s – and that was really saying something – so he didn’t even bother talking to him.</p>
<p>Sai joined a weekly sketching class in an attempt to find people with similar interests and widen his social circle. He quickly set his hopes on Yusuke, a shy kid with a tanned complexion and dark hair. The boy seemed scared of his own shadow and was unlikely to become belligerent, or tell Sai off if he accidentally broke a social taboo. His methods for scoping out potential friends were a little underhanded, but he desperately needed company outside of his team. Naruto and Sakura kept discussing deli meat as of late and he knew well enough that that wasn’t a normal conversation topic.</p>
<p>Sai and Yusuke became closer, sitting beside each other during their lessons and chatting while they sketched. Sai thought he was on his way to making an actual friend when Yusuke pulled him aside one day for a private chat. As mentioned in one of his self-help books, spending time outside of class or work indicated a closer friendship!</p>
<p>“Will you go out with me?” the boy asked, blush darkening his cheeks.</p>
<p>Sai blinked. “Excuse me?”</p>
<p>“Like on a date,” Yusuke said in a quieter voice.</p>
<p>“Do friends go on dates?” Sai questioned. “I believe the proper term when friends spend time together is “hang out.’”</p>
<p>Sai didn’t say this unkindly. He was merely clarifying his understanding of dating versus hanging out. However, he sensed that Yusuke interpreted his words and tone differently when the boy buried his face into his hands.</p>
<p>“Oh no, I’m so sorry. I misread this entire situation. You just seemed so much like one of the characters in this book I’m reading that I guess I was just projecting my feelings onto you.”</p>
<p>Well that was a first. Sai didn’t fit into any archetype so he was, not so much surprised, but intrigued at the prospect of a character resembling him.</p>
<p> “Can I see this book?”</p>
<p>Yusuke reached into his messenger bag, a giant frown on his face, and handed over the paperback with his eyes glued to the floor. Sai usually didn’t express much on his face, but he had to force his expression to remain neutral after noticing how the book’s colour scheme matched the perverted books Kakashi possessed, and his jaw only clenched slightly when he turned it over and saw the front cover.</p>
<p>The back of the book read:</p>
<p>
  <em>Shin was kicked out of his gang for being a poor errand boy. Left beat-up and penniless at the side of the road like a stray cat, he is taken in by the quiet Shiho, a local lover of unconventional animals like tarantulas and snakes. Shiho was better with overlooked animals over actual people, which worked out for Shin, who didn’t know how to interact with people anyway due to his gang-related upbringing. These two outcasts form a strong bond that is threatened when Shin’s old gang gives him another chance to prove himself.</em>
</p>
<p>Sai sped-read, flipping through the pages as if it was a flipbook, eyes widening for a fraction at the racier parts. He finally looked at the shamefaced boy before him as he closed the book with a triumphant smack.</p>
<p>“Will you accompany me somewhere, Yusuke? As my friend?” The boy livened up at the use of the word friend, disappointed that his advances were rejected yet glad the intimidating ninja didn’t take offence. “There’s someone else who needs to see this.”</p>
<p>Sai mentally check-marked this interaction as a win for reacting appropriately and politely despite what had transpired.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The beautiful brunette smiled warmly back at Shino after he asked the rhopalocera, more commonly known as the butterfly, to land on her finger. The insect’s delicate, yellow wings flapped twice and she inspected them admiringly. Shino wondered if she would react the same way if it was one of his beetles on her finger, but thought he was getting ahead of himself. The Aburame reasoned that he could build up to that moment and was momentarily satisfied that a girl was responding well to his flirting. He made a mental note to thank Sai the next time he saw him, as the self-help book he recommended was actually working. If he was having trouble dating because people were freaked out by his insects, why didn’t he think of going to the community garden before, where people were used to stuff like that?</p>
<p>“You really know how to charm a girl,” the brunette said.</p>
<p>“You sound surprised.” Shino thought that sounded cool, but second-guessed if it could be perceived as rude. He clearly wasn’t used to this kind of interaction yet.</p>
<p>“I guess I shouldn’t be,” she said, cheeks growing pink and Shino was proud of himself for making such a pretty girl blush. That was until she followed up her statement. “Not to pry, but have you ever been with a woman?”</p>
<p>Now the Aburame was the one blushing. Damn, this girl moved fast.</p>
<p>“Like recently?”</p>
<p>“Like ever.”</p>
<p>“Oh no, I thought that after a few dates, we could…?”</p>
<p>The girl shot him an odd look and now Shino was confused. Shino opened his mouth to ask how or where they’d gotten off on the wrong foot and nothing came out. His mind was racing and it didn’t help that the insects were buzzing in his ears. The Aburame left himself defenceless as something hit him hard in the back of the head. The impact was so strong that his insects were knocked out and spilling out of his orifices in droves. The brunette screamed and ran off, leaving Shino with the knowledge of how that relationship would’ve inevitably panned out.</p>
<p>Shino rubbed the back of his head, looking around for the object that hit him as his insects retreated, when he picked up an orange paperback. Before he could inspect it further, Sai approached him with a very fidgety boy in tow. His mannerisms reminded Shino of his teammate and friend, Hyuuga Hinata, and he couldn’t help but think “cute” when he recognized that the boy was shy.</p>
<p>“Who’s that?”</p>
<p>“Yusuke,” Sai answered on behalf of his friend.</p>
<p>“I’m guessing this was your doing,” said Shino, proffering the book.</p>
<p>“Hardly,” Sai said, body language indicating he was impatient. Hanging around Team Kakashi had really changed the man for the better. “But take a peak inside. Apparently people are conflating the characters for us.”</p>
<p>Yusuke tensed up and averted his gaze at that moment and Shino didn’t have time to question why while Sai was looming over him like that. Shino examined the cover and the first thing he saw was the title, “Tame Me” in large font. Then he saw the hardened pair of male torsos, with one body scarred by claw marks while the other was marked by gang-related tattoos, muscular arms encircling one another in a tight embrace. Shino’s stomach felt unsettled as the bugs hummed in reaction to his spiking blood pressure.</p>
<p>He opened up the book and turned to a page that had been dog-eared and started reading.</p>
<p>
  <em>Shin panted, not expecting the quiet man to be so rough in the bedroom. Not like he was complaining. He liked it rough. As Shiho grasped Shin’s manhood in a maddening grip, Shin could see through the man’s shades and recognize the desperate need in his eyes. The need to dominate him in every way.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“You’re not that beat up stray I found by the side of the road anymore,” Shiho said. “I won’t be as gentle as I was before.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shiho yanked his hair roughly with his free hand and kissed him hard as he stroked – !</em>
</p>
<p>And that’s as far as Shino got before he ordered his insects to devour the paperback so he would never have to know how that passage ended. Shino visibly cringed at the very idea of doing something so intimate with Sai… Well violating wasn’t strong enough of a word to describe how he felt.</p>
<p>Hearing a gasp, Shino looked at Sai’s guest who had stars in his eyes.</p>
<p>“Whoa, is that the legendary kikaichū? The rare species of coleopteran?”</p>
<p>Shino was startled. “Um, yes. You’ve heard of them?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I love insects!” Yusuke said, bringing out his sketchbook to show off his work. “They’re my favourite thing to draw.”</p>
<p>Shino obviously no longer cared about the book or its content as he swapped one attractive brunette for another. They gazed over the sketchbook together and talked excitedly, throwing scientific terms around like spells, and Sai didn’t even try to understand it.</p>
<p>Sai had done his good deed for the day, making the connection that these two would get along swimmingly when Yusuke came out to him, and left the pair to bond. Hopefully not as described in the book. As a ninja, Sai expected Shino to be flexible, but a person needed a few ribs removed before they could execute some of those positions.</p>
<p>As he was walking, it didn’t sit well with Sai that people thought dark and quiet was his type. No offence to Shino, but why would Sai date someone that looked and sounded so much like him? It was just plain masturbatory and he wasn’t that vain. With that thought provoking him, Sai came to the firm conclusion that he was going to go big or go home and stalked off in search for Yamanaka Ino.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Fun fact: one of my Japanese friends looked over this chapter and told me I’ve been spelling “Uzimaki” instead of “Uzumaki.” That means I’ve been spelling Naruto’s last name wrong for the last 10+ years! Someone also recently pointed out that I spelled “Hinabi” instead of “Hanabi” in another fic of mine and now I’m paranoid about what else I’ve misspelled in the past.</p>
<p>Anyway, Shino seems to have a type and I’m looking forward to editing and uploading the next chapter. It’s my personal favourite.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Book 3 (and a Half)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>People were responding especially well towards the novella Kakashi wrote last-minute, a short spin-off to focus on two minor characters from another book. Kakashi was fond of their real-life counterparts and thought it was a shame they became sidelined in the convoluted love polygon in their original book. The novella was entitled “Love Me” although fans have lovingly dubbed it “Salam Me” or “Love Meat.” Kakashi chuckled at the fans who were taking lines and turning them into catchphrases. It wasn’t too hard to predict that the resounding fan favourite line was, “My salami!” in which fans would use that quote whenever they didn’t get what they wanted, though it also had a double meaning to refer to blue-balling.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Sakura was having a rough few weeks. Her schedule at the hospital was jam-packed since Tsunade promoted her. She still had trouble proving her worthiness to some of the patients even though she’d been saving these people’s lives and healing their injuries since she was a genin. She was written up when an old, senile man demanded the hot blonde with the huge knockers tended him instead and she punched his (unused) bedpan through the wall. Then Sasuke and Sai weren’t available like usual. Sasuke and Neji had recently put their differences aside and were using all of their free time to train their dojutsus together, hoping to unlock some secret technique. Even Sai seemed to have more of a social life than her as he made friends at his weekly art class.</p>
<p>Sakura still had Naruto to keep her company, his presence always a sense of comfort, but things have been strange whenever they were together. And it wasn’t due to how they acted around one another, rather how other people reacted to them whenever they were around one another.</p>
<p>Coincidentally, Tenten had complained about something similar. People were under the impression that she was involved with Rock Lee, which she disputed and chalked up to gossip, since it was common for kunoichis to fall for one of their male teammates. However, Tenten was bewildered because people were also under the impression that she was involved with Inuzuka Kiba. Tenten had clucked her tongue and assured Sakura that people were just bored and stirring up trouble. Sakura wasn’t so sure and wished her problems were as simple as people over-exaggerating her relationships with her friends.</p>
<p>Naruto was known for his love of ramen yet people kept equating him with salami. Sakura too. Naruto didn’t question it, but Sakura certainly did when strangers were shouting it out at her in the street and running away. It was like this generation’s ding-dong-ditch.</p>
<p>“You’re just being paranoid,” Naruto said, slurping up some soup. “Kids are just dicks for no reason and people are probably tired of giving me ramen as a thank you for saving the village.”</p>
<p>Sakura side-eyed the slivers of the deli meat floating in his broth, but chose to believe him at the time. That was until the kids upped their antics by throwing salami slices at her. Sakura was so sick and tired of the harassment that she punched the ground and accidentally triggered a sinkhole. The kids were either knocked out or too traumatized from their near-death experiences for Sakura to interrogate them about the origins of the salami jokes. When the authorities found her, she was written up again and Tsunade went so far as to suspend her without pay. The pinkette walked dejectedly to her parents’ home in the hopes that her mother would make her favourite childhood meal and soothe her.</p>
<p>The suspension was a blessing in disguise as Sakura caught the tail-end of her mother’s book club.</p>
<p>“I’m so happy the author decided to write that novella. It was absolutely hilarious and Naruya and Sayuri really got to shine.”</p>
<p>“I agree,” her mother giggled behind her hand. “And that line about asking her if she was really going to leave his salami uneaten? I died laughing. Only Naruya can say something so ridiculous and make it sound charming. Oh, Sakura, you’re here. Honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“You knew all along?” Sakura asked, after everyone had left and she skimmed through the 50-page novella. The horrid, little thing was called “Love Me” and had a blue cover with two incredibly hot figures draped over one another. Their faces were obscured in the embrace but she could see the man’s blonde hair and the woman’s flowing, scarlet locks.</p>
<p>“How was I supposed to know people in the village thought the characters were based on you and your friend? I don’t know a thing about ninjas or your friends so I wouldn’t be able to tell,” said her mother, putting down a cup of chamomile tea to help calm her nerves. “But if that’s the case, I really hope you’re not doing what’s written in these books, Sakura.”</p>
<p>Sakura choked on her anger but then realized that there were <em>books</em>. As in plural.</p>
<p>“Do you have the rest of them?”</p>
<p>“Well I’ve already returned most of the copies to the library. They’re very high in demand. I do have the next book in the series if you’d like to take a gander.”</p>
<p>The red paperback was entitled “Convince Me” with a woman sandwiched between two very attractive men. Sakura’s face turned as pink as her hair as the men kissed each side of the woman’s neck, her head thrown back in ecstasy. If Sakura squinted and really concentrated on the facial features obscured by the cover model’s wind-swept hair, she could’ve sworn it looked like Tenten.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>Tai Tai was a level-headed woman who frowned upon indecision. The top chemist behind the city’s hottest party drug had to be certain that her product was the best. She had to be certain the people around her were the best.  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kei was a natural who instinctually knew how to please her and now she knew why people compared him to a wild animal. On the other hand, Brock Li was a hard-worker whose determination to make her scream from pleasure also earned him the title of a beast. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Well, she’s made her decision. As she disrobed in front of both men, Tai Tai decided that there was enough room for all of them in her bed.</em>
</p>
<p>Tenten screamed and threw the book away from her. She grabbed three shuriken from her pouch and chucked them in quick succession so they embedded the book against a tree. Sakura winced, knowing she would have to pay the library for a new edition since that paperback was now unreadable.</p>
<p>“Hey,” growled Kiba, stalking off towards the pine tree. “I still had to read it too.”</p>
<p>“No. You. Don’t!” huffed Tenten, panting hard between each word. She was beyond angry. She was furious. No, she was murderous!</p>
<p>“I really don’t see the big deal,” said Naruto, lying on his back with his head resting on his arms. “I’ve read similar books and it was pretty good.”</p>
<p>“Not everyone is used to reading such filth like you and the old sannin,” said Sakura. “And those characters are based on us!”</p>
<p>The Haruno was the one who booked the training grounds furthest into the forest for this meeting. The kunoichi barely slept a wink last night reading “Convince Me” from cover to cover. She couldn’t help but be curious. It was research after all. She was putting her theory to the test! Besides, it was way easier to digest an erotic story when it wasn’t based off of you and she only wished this M.G. Lee person made her love scenes more scandalous rather than comedic. Now she couldn’t look at salami the same way knowing what it was supposed to represent.</p>
<p>Sakura’s gaze lingered around Naruto’s crotch when he suddenly laughed. She averted her gaze quickly, cheeks turning pink, hoping that he wouldn’t point out that she was being a Peeping Tom to the rest of their group.</p>
<p>“Filth? Rock Lee’s name was changed to Brock Li. Like <em>broccoli!</em>” Naruto laughed again, sitting up. “That’s pretty funny when you think about his all-green suit.”</p>
<p>“Oh my god,” Tenten whispered, hands flying to her head. “We cannot let Lee read it. With his big-ass mouth he’ll go screaming for all of the village to hear if they don’t already know about it. And then that’ll get Gai-sensei involved…”</p>
<p>Rock Lee agreed to the impromptu training, but said he was starting a new morning regiment with Gai just outside the village. He would make time to appear, but he would be late. He urged Tenten to start without him and now she was thanking this small mercy that the universe was offering her. </p>
<p>“Whoa,” Kiba said finally. He was reading through the punctured paperback and his eyes grew wide. “From what I can make out, these characters do share some of our personality traits and physical attributes.”</p>
<p>“Do you think it’s a coincidence?” asked Sakura. “I mean why would someone write this?”</p>
<p>The hairs on Akamaru’s fur stood up and Kiba growled. “Something’s coming.”</p>
<p>“The question isn’t why,” said a disembodied voice through a thick cloud of smoke. When it dissipated, Anko was standing on top of a tree branch. “The question to ask is <em>who?</em>”</p>
<p>The group collectively sweat-dropped as they stared at their former Chuunin exam proctor, who was perched up high in a tree, wearing a tiny skirt and equally tiny underwear.</p>
<p>“Anko, please get down here,” said Iruka, who appeared beside Naruto.</p>
<p>“Oh, right,” she laughed, eyeing her skirt. She had the decency to look a little embarrassed. “Sure thing!”</p>
<p>Anko jumped down from the tree and landed in front of Iruka. Everyone noted that she landed very close to the Chuunin instructor and they remained in close proximity, bodies leaning towards one another as they addressed the group. Well that was a new development.</p>
<p>“Why did you show up again?” asked Sakura.</p>
<p>“Well I’m sorry our dramatic entrances distracted you,” said Anko, “but to repeat myself, we should ask who wrote those books, not why.”</p>
<p>“Well it wasn’t any of us. Just because I went along with the pervy-sage and helped him write his books didn’t mean I did this!”</p>
<p>“No one’s blaming you specifically, Naruto.” Iruka fidgeted with his hitai-ate out of habit. “Anko and I recently found out about these books ourselves and we’re trying to figure out who the author, M.G. Lee, is. They’re a new author and there’s nothing stated about them online. But we have strong reasons to believe they’re from the Hidden Leaf and a ninja since the characters match our profiles. No villager would know us that intimately.”</p>
<p>“<em>Our? </em>You mean you guys have a book too?” asked Kiba, shaking his head. “Damn, how many are there?”</p>
<p>“M.G. matches Might Gai-sensei’s initials perfectly and Lee is part of Rock Lee’s name. We were wondering to discuss this with Team Gai and heard that you were meeting here to train.”</p>
<p>“Lee did not write this,” spat Tenten. “Not to fulfill his own personal fantasy or to make Gai-sensei seem cooler. It can’t be him!”</p>
<p>“Well who else would have the motivation to frame Bushy Brow?” asked Naruto.</p>
<p>Everyone instantly thought of a certain gray-haired Jounin.</p>
<p>“This is too perverted even for him!” Sakura exclaimed. “How are we going to confront him?”</p>
<p>“You will not,” Iruka said calmly, an uneasy eye on the way her fists clenched. “Anko and I will talk to him since this is still speculation.”</p>
<p>“Well what are we going to do? Sit here and wait?” asked Kiba.</p>
<p>“No, I think there are other people that need to be warned before it’s too late.” Anko threw a book at Kiba and another one to Sakura. “These were the only other copies we could find at the bookstore.”</p>
<p>Anko and Iruka bid them farewell before disappearing. Kiba signalled Tenten over while Sakura did the same to Naruto. The two pairs inspected their assigned books and gave each other wary looks before going off to warn their clueless teammates and friends.</p>
<p>Rock Lee arrived a few minutes later to an empty training ground. Rather than being deterred by his friends’ absences, he proceeded to do laps around the village on his hands as punishment for being so tardy.</p>
<p>Thanking all of the nice civilian women who hollered “Beast!” at him as he exerted himself, Rock Lee ran even faster.</p>
<p>“Yosh!” he cried ardently. “I am the Green Beast of Konohagakure!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My favourite chapter. I hope you liked it too. I just really liked the idea of them congregating in the woods and discussing everything. Took me a few tries to write Rock Lee's part at the end. Liked how it turned out :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Book 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kakashi was well aware of fan mail and raving reviews, but what he wasn’t expecting was the marketing potential. Salami sales were already through the roof. People were requesting merchandise to own and even modifying themselves to resemble their favourite characters. As the sale numbers for his Opposites Attract: Crime and Civilian Saga increased, drugstores and hair salons were reporting large upticks for blonde hair dye and hair bleaching while optometrists were receiving requests for blue-tinted contact lenses. Those industries had the blonde-haired, blue-eyed bombshell from his book “Notice Me” to thank for that.</p>
<p>Kakashi pondered over what other businesses were doing well because of his books.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Unlike Sakura, Yamanaka Ino’s last few weeks had been some of her best. Business at the Yamanaka Flower Shop was booming and her mother stopped giving her a hard time about braiding flowers into her hair when she was bored during her breaks. Her mother claimed it made her look childish and unprofessional when women of varying ages would enter and ooh and ahh over the fresh blossoms in her hair. Some had even requested that she offered hair-braiding services too, and that service became such a hit that Ino had to pre-make flower crowns to sell to customers she had to turn away.</p>
<p>It felt like one giant slumber party as women asked for her advice, regarding men and dating, while she styled their hair. She was happy to offer her two cents even though her dating experience was limited. Not like she was going to mention that though. They took her words so seriously – they took <em>her </em>seriously! – and it felt nice to offer some sage-like advice. Why break that illusion?</p>
<p>Her father was displeased over this particular turn of events, but Ino was receiving more admiring looks. Even a wolf whistle or two. Shikamaru was the first one to comment on it when she and Chouji accompanied him to the Konohagakure gates, and it lifted her spirits considering he was leaving for the Sand again. Ino didn’t take the attention too seriously though. She was well aware that she had a killer bod and dressed to accentuate those assets. It’s about time the rest of the village caught up and noticed that she was a hot commodity too.</p>
<p>The bell on the front door chimed and Ino called over her shoulder, “Sorry! Starting my break and will return in thirty minutes.”</p>
<p>“I’ve never seen a line to get into a flower shop,” said a familiar voice.</p>
<p>“Oh hey, Chouji! Yeah, things have been picking up! We even had to hire someone part-time to help out, especially when I get called on missions. Some nice kid named Yusuke. He’s a real artiste. Not the greatest braider though but I’ll explain that later.” Ino leaned across the counter and whispered to him. “Get this, apparently he has a crush on Sai! Isn’t this a small world? I didn’t know Sai was gay but I guess all those crop tops should have been a clue.”</p>
<p>Chouji chewed on his bottom lip. That was a lot of information and names she divulged without any goading on his part. The feeling in Chouji’s gut only worsened as he was about to accuse one of his oldest and dearest friends of spreading gossip for attention.</p>
<p>“Hey Ino, about that… Have you…?”</p>
<p>“Have I what?”</p>
<p>Chouji prepared himself for a verbal and physical assault. “Have you been telling people that we’ve hooked up to get back at Shikamaru?”</p>
<p>“WHAT?!”</p>
<p>“Hey, don’t freak out!” he said, putting his hands up defensively as took a few steps back. “You know things have been getting pretty serious between Karui and I and news got back to her in the Land of Lightning. I had to come and ask you personally if you were the one telling people.”</p>
<p>“NoOoOoOoOoOoOo!” she screeched. “Chouji, I love you but not like that!”</p>
<p>“Okay, okay, okay,” he said quickly. “I believe you. I just had to ask.”</p>
<p>“The <em>deceit! </em>The <em>betrayal! </em>The <em>deception!” </em>She punctuated every other word with a jab of her finger in Chouji’s direction.</p>
<p>Ino screamed some incoherent noises in confusion, offence, and slight disgust. Who would make up such a thing and pin the blame on her? She may be jealous that her two teammates had attractive girlfriends in other villages and was worried that she may lose touch with them over time if they moved, but she wouldn’t resort to school-girl levels of gossip to manipulate them into staying.</p>
<p>She gave one last harpy cry as the bell chimed again.</p>
<p>“Geez Ino, we could hear you from outside and thought you were being murdered,” said Naruto, strolling in casually with Sakura close by. He jiggled his pinkie finger in his ear to stop it from ringing.</p>
<p>“Well thanks for rushing in with so much concern,” Ino muttered through clenched teeth, her narrowed eyes turning back on her old teammate. “However, I’m on a break. I need it to interrogate this guy so we can find out who the hell has been spreading rumours about me!”</p>
<p>“I think I got that part covered,” said Sakura, walking up to the counter and sliding a yellow paperback to the blonde.</p>
<p>“What is this? What does this have to do with anything?” Ino asked, turning it about in her manicured hand when her eyes landed on the cover. It depicted a voluptuous woman lying on her back in a pile of silk. She was wearing red, heart-shaped glasses and a tight, tight, <em>tight </em>white dress. She held a red lollipop seductively between her teeth as she smiled at the audience with her brilliant blonde hair flowing around her.</p>
<p>The title was “Notice Me” and she couldn’t help but feel her eye twitch as it perfectly encapsulated what she had been accused of by Chouji. The Akimichi stepped forward and examined the book along with his friend since this did involve him too.</p>
<p><em>Iko always got what she wanted because she was daddy’s little girl. Daddy meaning her father was the scariest gang leader in the city. No one could resist a blonde, which is why Iko enjoyed hooking up with her portly project partner, Chujiro. Even experimenting with her redheaded BFF who was secretly in love with her, Sayuri, much to her boyfriend’s dismay. But now there’s one person who is immune to her seduction and that’s her new TA, Shinrikiyaru</em>, <em>who is involved with another blonde from a rivalling gang. How can Iko make a disinterested man fall in love with her when he’s too lazy to teach his tutorial?</em></p>
<p>Before they could ask Naruto and Sakura for more information, a fold-out diagram fell out of the pages. The diagram depicted all of the relationships, hook-ups, and break-ups between the featured characters. There were so many solid lines and dotted lines, whole hearts and broken hearts that it was hard to keep track.</p>
<p>“Ha!” Ino pointed an accusing finger at Chouji. “See? I told you I wasn’t the one starting those rumours.”</p>
<p>“That’s what you care about now? Ino, look at this. This is insane!”</p>
<p>Chouji flipped to a chapter in the middle and started reading. He immediately dropped it to the floor and kicked it under a table when he read some passage about Iko trailing kisses down Chujiro’s stomach.</p>
<p>“Naruto and I skimmed the book on our way here. So Iko’s dad is some hot-shot gang leader who runs a gift shop as a front to sell drugs. Iko works there to keep up appearances and she puts flowers in her hair for every lover that she’s had.”</p>
<p>Ino paled at her best friend’s words and pulled at a single braid that had four blossoms on it alone. “Well that explains why some women asked for only a few flowers while others basically had bouquets weaved into their hair.”</p>
<p>“You think that’s crazy?” Naruto laughed. “If you look at the diagram, Ino has hooked up with almost everyone in that book who isn’t blonde. So we haven’t slept together but apparently I got so upset at her for blue-balling me and sleeping with Sakura that I seduced Shikamaru. So Shikamaru and I have hooked up.”</p>
<p>Naruto laughed so hard he had to rest his hands on his knees. “It’s so screwy that it’s hilarious! Obviously I can get someone way hotter than him!”</p>
<p>Everyone else disagreed that the situation was “funny” and wondered what the Uzumaki’s priorities were if he was more concerned about attracting hotter men.</p>
<p>The bell chimed as eager customers began to enter the store again. That half an hour break was over. Ino recomposed herself well enough, but her smile wasn’t as pronounced now that she knew people’s trust in her was based on a lie.</p>
<p>“What do we do now?” choked Chouji.</p>
<p>“Anko and Iruka-sensei are working on it. We’re trying to warn others while we still can,” said Sakura.</p>
<p>“The others? How many other people are involved in this?”</p>
<p>“More than you think,” said Naruto. “Where’s Shikamaru?”</p>
<p>Chouji was about to answer when everything got deathly quiet in the flower shop. This was followed up by an audible intake of breath before every girl in the store squealed. During the time the Leaf Nin were talking, Sai had entered the store, leapt over the counter, and swept Ino off her feet into a dramatic romantic-movie-style kiss.</p>
<p>“Holy shit, Sai…” said Naruto in awe, watching the boy slowly pull back.</p>
<p>Sakura was staring with her mouth hanging wide open and Chouji looked on between his fingers. Ino was like his sister and seeing her make out with someone was just as bad as reading about it.</p>
<p>At least now they had been fact-checked about Sai’s sexual orientation.</p>
<p>“Yamanaka Ino, will you go out on a date with me?”</p>
<p>Ino still looked dazed. “Um…sure? Why not? Yes.”</p>
<p>“Good. Those were all phrases that indicate your consent,” he said robotically, as if he was cross-referencing her reply to a list of appropriate responses in his head, and went in for another kiss.</p>
<p>The customers went wild commenting how it was so romantic and they wished their lives could be as interesting. With so much commotion, they only attracted more people from outside who wanted to see what the fuss was about.</p>
<p>Naruto, Sakura, and Chouji were feeling claustrophobic and couldn’t take the noise any longer. Just as the ninjas were shuffling out, unable to tolerate the high-pitched squeals and noises any longer, a large explosion could be heard and felt.</p>
<p>“What was that?” asked Chouji.</p>
<p>“If I had to guess,” said Sakura, “Neji and Sasuke.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So each chapter kind of analyzes a character and attempts to flesh them out. With this chapter, you really see more of Ino. If you read the first chapter and then this one, your first impression is that she’s in love with Shikamaru and is jealous that he chose Temari over her. But in reality, she’s happy for her friends and their relationships. She just worries that they’ll leave her one day. And she feels like people don’t take her seriously so that’s why she’s so crushed that the trust she’s developed with her customers stems from their admiration for a character in a book.</p>
<p>There’s also the underlying fact that people thought she was way more sexually active than she was. I wanted to play this up in a positive way (wherein the women trust her opinion about dating, men, and sex) over the obvious route where they shame her sexuality. I had dudes whistling at her and shooting her admiring looks instead because I don’t think any man – civilian or shinobi – would assume she was easy and make an unsolicited comment or act. Ino’s still a fierce kunoichi after all.  </p>
<p>Next chapter is the last. Hope you enjoyed the read. </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Book 5 (The Finale)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>And that’s it! It’s over. I’m actually so surprised that I wrote all of this so quickly. If you were tired of all the alerts from this story, then you were just as surprised as me. When I sat down to write this, the ideas just kept coming out of me. I’ve never had such an easy time writing a fanfic before, let alone a multi-chaptered story.</p>
<p>This whole story was a parody of romance novels, but I wanted to set the record straight: I’m not a hater of romance books. I enjoy reading them and this was just a parody of the ones with poorer writing, or a parody of how romance books are depicted in the media. My last fanfic was “serious” and incorporated some sex scenes, which was out of my element, and it was nice to relieve all of that struggle and uncertainty by writing sex scenes in a comedic way.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The act of suing someone over libel and/or defamation was a slow, drawn-out, and expensive process. Kakashi suspected that no other author lived in a hidden village and dared to write about the most powerful figures in ninja history, who’d surely take justice into their own hands and deal with the situation as quickly as possible. It was only a matter of time now. His series had gotten too big for his muses to remain unaware.</p>
<p>As his front door was kicked open, Kakashi couldn’t help but amp up his theatrics since this may be his last opportunity to do so. Spinning around dramatically in his desk chair, his one visible eye curving as he smiled at his intruders, he said cheerfully, “So you’ve found me at last!”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Hyuuga Neji knew a thing or two about class structures and the dichotomy they created: the haves and have nots, the worthy and the unworthy. As a Branch member of the Hyuuga clan, Neji had to fight tooth and nail to get to his coveted position at the Main House, whereas some people were given their positions based on luck and fate. He no longer held any resentment towards his cousin, Hyuuga Hinata, and deeply regretted his actions towards her when he was young and anger clouded his judgment.</p>
<p>However, he now felt like he was straddling both worlds. The Main House acknowledged and rewarded his genius, yet still looked down on his status. Meanwhile, the Branch House was proud that he was representing them, yet treated him with suspicion, thinking he’d relay their complaints or displeasures to their oppressors.</p>
<p>It was a lonely position to inhabit.</p>
<p>It was also why he’d made peace with Uchiha Sasuke. As a person who defected the village, actively hurt Leaf ninja, and made an attempt to destroy the village, the Uchiha was now at the bottom of the hierarchy. Even though he was partly responsible for ending the Fourth Shinobi War, he would most likely be climbing his way back into people’s good graces for the remainder of his life. So now Neji’s goals were to protect the Main House, namely Hinata, and help Sasuke. The only problem was that his two goals seemed to be… overlapping.</p>
<p>The first clue was when Neji found Uchiha Sasuke waiting for him in the guest room. The Uchiha wasn’t alone as he sat with Hinata, the two drinking tea, and Hinata’s usual sweets were put away in favour of blander snacks. Neji noted that they were closer than he originally thought if his cousin was aware of and catering to the Uchiha’s dietary preferences. Most people wouldn’t have noticed this, but Neji didn’t become a genius by being like most people.</p>
<p>The second clue was when a technique he and Sasuke were working on needed adjusting. Enlisting Hinata’s help, Neji sat at the sidelines to observe the weak spots and would instruct them on how to improve. Sasuke and Hinata resumed their positions to spar and eventually Neji was feeling <em>left out </em>as they began to focus on one another without listening to his instructions. Being the stronger out of the two, Sasuke had Hinata secured beneath him. Hinata’s left hand was pinned above her head while her right hand was still firmly grasping Sasuke’s upper arm from when she blocked his chakra points. They stared into each other’s eyes, breathing hard from their exertions, and the amount of sexual tension radiating off of them made Neji’s lips flatten into a grim line.</p>
<p>There wasn’t a third clue as much as Neji sought out a third clue to have an excuse to beat the Uchiha’s ass. He found it through an unlikely source: a startled servant who was in the middle of cleaning his room. She knocked over a few items in her surprise, stammering out an apology as she attempted to straighten things out. Neji dismissed her curtly, not caring if she missed a cobweb or two, and she left in a hurry.</p>
<p>He noticed the object sticking out from underneath his desk immediately and picked it up. It was a purple book entitled “Choose Me.” Judging by the cheesy title and the way the muscular man and curvy woman held onto each other while an ominous presence lurked in the background, Neji concluded it was that Romeo &amp; Juliet-type book that was all the rage amongst the Branch women. The servant must have dropped it on her way out.</p>
<p>Turning it around, the book description read:</p>
<p>
  <em>Eiji and Satoshi were nicknamed the Yin-Yang Twins as they were the best hit-men team that money could buy. Eiji wanted to earn enough money through these commissions to pay for his baby sister’s tuition while she attended medical school. Then he would leave his gang life behind for an honest living. Satoshi’s goal was to support his friend even though he knew he personally could never return to civilian life. Satoshi’s goals are complicated when he falls in love with Eiji’s sister, Hitomi! How can Satoshi have the woman of his dreams without losing his best friend?</em>
</p>
<p>Well that eerily reflected Neji’s current dilemma. He opened the paperback where it was bookmarked. Then he promptly shredded the book to pieces after reading a passage where Hitomi was teaching Satoshi how to make cinnamon rolls. She licked some icing sugar off of his finger and then one thing led to another and Satoshi started licking something else.</p>
<p>Neji activated his Byakugan as this wretched book was an efficient enough sign from the universe that Uchiha Sasuke must be punished. Neji brought in the former missing nin into his home and Sasuke was returning the favour by putting the moves on his cousin? Unacceptable.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Sasuke was having a great day. Ninjas were tolerating him, not as many villagers spat at him, grocers were willing to sell him their produce again, and (best of all!) tomatoes were discounted at 30% off. Ah yes, Uchiha Sasuke was finally feeling like Konohagakure was his home again.</p>
<p>Sasuke was tenderly cradling a vine of tomatoes to his chest when he detected the feeling of killing intent. Directed towards him?   </p>
<p>“Hyuuga,” Sasuke greeted cautiously at the sight of Neji’s Byakugan and angry stance. He didn’t know what was provoking the Branch Member so badly, but was surveying the area for exit points and gearing up for a fight if it resorted to that.</p>
<p>Bystanders seemed to sense the tension between the two powerhouses and ducked for cover if they couldn’t escape.</p>
<p>“Uchiha, what are your intentions with my cousin?”</p>
<p>Sasuke raised an eyebrow. “Which one?”</p>
<p>Neji’s mind fractured as he hadn’t considered the possibility of Sasuke messing with both Hyuuga Hinata and Hyuuga Hanabi. He charged full-force without hesitation.</p>
<p>“You will stop engaging indecently with my family at once!” the Hyuuga genius cried, nearly landing a crushing blow against the Uchiha’s side.</p>
<p>Sasuke grimaced, taken aback by Neji’s footwork even with the help of his Sharingan. He fought with the man on numerous occasions but it was different now that the Hyuuga aimed to kill on behalf of his clan’s honour.</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?” he grimaced, thwarting Neji’s palm.</p>
<p>“I’ve seen the way you look at Hinata!”</p>
<p>Sasuke smashed his elbow into the boy’s face and used the momentum to push the Hyuuga away, giving Sasuke enough time to yell back, “Again, WHAT?!”</p>
<p>It was like something out of an old-fashioned cartoon where all you could see was a giant dust cloud with fists flying and legs swinging every so often. Sometimes you could even catch a glimpse of the end of Neji’s beautiful hair gracefully cutting a line through the dust. But that was quickly covered up by the flames Sasuke conjured, adding more smoke, ash, and chaos.</p>
<p>This was when Kiba and Tenten arrived, mounted on Akamaru’s enormous back.</p>
<p>“Holy fuck!” exclaimed Kiba.</p>
<p>“Should we intervene?” asked Tenten meekly. “I mean… is it possible for us to intervene?”</p>
<p>“Do you want to get in the middle of that?” he asked, pointing a finger at the destruction. “Screw this shit, let’s just get people out of the way.”</p>
<p>The match looked like it was over when Sasuke miraculously got behind Neji and quickly formulated a plan to end this once and for all. It was definitely an underhanded and dirty move, but Sasuke wasn’t going to allow the Uchiha bloodline to end over a spat about a nonexistent tryst. Neji was prepared for assaults <em>from </em>behind but he wasn’t prepared for assaults <em>on </em>his behind. This weakness in his defence left him wide open. Sasuke steeped his index and middle fingers together and enacted Kakashi’s infamous 1,000 Years of Pain technique. The assault sent Neji flying despite Sasuke holding back his strength, not wanting to murder the man. Just stun him.</p>
<p>It was the day Hyuuga Neji would never forget because it was the day his booty hole exploded. Now he could confidently tell anyone who was curious that the Uchiha’s fingers tasted like ink and salt at the distinct memory of them reaching the back of his throat.</p>
<p>By the sheer will of God, Neji was still standing when he finally landed. Legs trembling, and unbeknownst to Sasuke his ass was perforated too, Neji resumed his fighting stance. Now Sasuke was slightly worried because any man who could withstand something like that was not to be messed with.</p>
<p>They would have continued their fight if Shikamaru hadn’t entered the fray, having just returned from his conference at the Sand. Shikamaru used his shadow technique to root the two ninjas where they stood.</p>
<p>“What the hell is going on?” Shikamaru muttered.</p>
<hr/>
<p>:-:-Epilogue-:-:</p>
<p>Everyone who was featured in Kakashi’s books was now in Tsunade’s office. If anyone wasn’t aware of the books or their involvement in them, they did now. Hyuuga Hinata was lying unconscious on the floor, Naruto’s jacket bundled under her head, while Sakura fanned her flaming face.</p>
<p>Sasuke was Purell-ing the hell out of his hands and staring daggers at Neji, who was staring daggers back, as Shizune treated his abused colon from behind a sheet. Luckily for Neji, Sasuke had good aim and a steady hand because Neji wasn’t going to experience any long-term health effects. Tenten tried consoling Neji the best she could, but that was difficult when Rock Lee was reading their book and shooting her uncomfortable looks.</p>
<p>Ino and Sai were holding hands, Kiba was listening in surprise as Shino discussed his new boyfriend, Chouji was eating some chips, and Shikamaru was muttering about how everything was troublesome and he should have stayed in the Sand for an additional day.</p>
<p>Anko and Iruka appeared suddenly, bringing in the guilty Copy Nin who was responsible for this entire mess. Fashionably late as usual. Everyone was shouting at him at once, fighting one another to be the first to throw him a punch, and it was ultimately Might Gai who forced his way to the front.</p>
<p>“Oh, my eternal rival!” he cried, tears streaming down his face. “How could you use my good name for your debauchery?”</p>
<p>“Or,” stated Kakashi amusingly, “was it my way of giving you credit?”</p>
<p>“Even in the throes of trouble, you still act so cool! I still have so much to learn from you!”</p>
<p>“Gai-sensei!” cried Rock Lee. “You’re always cool to me!”</p>
<p>“Lee!” The older man cried back.</p>
<p>“Gai-sensei!”</p>
<p>“Lee!”</p>
<p>“Oh, Gai-sensei!”</p>
<p>“Oh, Rock Lee!”</p>
<p>Believe it or not, they cried out each other’s names a few more times before embracing in a tearful hug. It was pretty unbelievable that Kakashi didn’t write a book about them, but then again, watching them hug was a little nauseating and he couldn’t imagine people stomaching an entire book.</p>
<p>Tsunade ordered everyone to shut the hell up, stand in formation, and for Kakashi to come forward. She proceeded to scream at him for compromising everyone’s identities in future missions by listing their physical descriptions, personality traits, hobbies, and even providing backstories and family histories. She ordered him to evenly distribute his earnings to everyone named or referenced in the series, revoked his shinobi status and privileges for two years, and banished him to another village to carry out his sentence.</p>
<p>Everyone stilled. Kakashi’s grievances included libel, defamation, breach of privacy, and arguably sexual harassment, but to punish him so severely? This was unprecedented.</p>
<p>“Does anyone have anything else they’d like to say?” Tsunade asked, her tone implying the answer better be a hell no. “Then everyone but Kakashi Hatake may leave. And do not reveal his identity as the book author or you’ll be punished too. We can’t allow the other hidden villages to know that Konohagakure was compromised because of one of its very own ninjas! If anyone approaches you about the books, I order you to deny, deny, deny!”</p>
<p>Everyone gave the Copy Nin pitying looks and mumbled some half-baked goodbyes before filing out. Mainly those who had found love with the help of the books were the most sympathetic, such as Anko and Iruka, Sai and Ino, and Shino who was now proudly bragging about his boyfriend Yusuke to anyone who was willing to listen. Some people who felt uncomfortable around their teammates due to said books shuffled out quickly without giving Kakashi a second glance, including Tenten and Rock Lee and the InoShikaCho trio. Their friendships needed some time apart before they could resume any sense of normality. Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke left feeling rather disheartened, hoping their old sensei would be okay during his banishment. Although the Uchiha was sore about his broken relationship with Neji (but not as sore or broken as Neji’s booty hole). It was sad to realize that their friendship would have ended poorly one way or another since the Hyuuga’s paranoia and protectiveness over his cousin would have continued with or without the books spurring him on.</p>
<p>Speaking of Neji, Tenten had to wheel his stretcher away. Gai hugged Kakashi from behind and tearfully screamed one last time, “My eternal rival!” Hinata’s unconscious body had to be carried out and delivered home by Kiba and that left Tsunade, Shizune, and Kakashi.</p>
<p>No one spoke a word until the door shut and the voices faded away.</p>
<p>Kakashi smiled. “I’m guessing my banishment isn’t a punishment, Tsunade?”</p>
<p>“Perceptive as always,” she muttered, signalling Shizune. The assistant handed Kakashi a thick mission scroll. “You’d be under a ton of trouble under normal circumstances, but these aren’t normal circumstances. The others will be receiving the money from your manuscript sales, which is nothing to scoff at. Geez, Kakashi, I can’t believe they paid you that much upfront. However, the profit you’re making from book sales will be used to repair the village since the war has tanked our economy. And it doesn’t help that Sakura punched a sinkhole into existence and the Uchiha and Hyuuga destroyed an entire block designated for merchants. You can’t even imagine how messy it is in the Insurance Department right now.”</p>
<p>Kakashi read over the scroll, detailing his S-rank mission to pose as M.G. Lee, bestselling author of the Opposites Attract: Crime and Civilian Saga, and promote his books across Fire Country on a two-year long book tour. His true identity must not be revealed and must refute anyone who suggests that the characters are based on Hidden Leaf nin. He also must never reveal the truth of his banishment or his mission to anyone besides the Hokage. All of the profits will be funneled into the village, excluding the fraction that would go to the publishing company and a smaller fraction that would go to Kakashi to use as pocket-money during his travels.</p>
<p>“Don’t interpret this as getting off the hook. What I yelled at you beforehand wasn’t just for show. Your actions were creepy and invasive and put your fellow ninja at risk. I’m not judging you for your tastes in books, Kakashi. You can write whatever you want,” said Tsunade. “I only suggest that you don’t base your characters on the people around you if you wish to continue your little side hustle.”</p>
<p>Kakashi saluted her. He stated that he understood his transgressions, apologized for causing her and everyone trouble, and said he took this mission seriously and he wouldn’t let her down. The Godaime shooed him away, his eagerness too tiring to deal with after the day she’s had. Kakashi thanked her again on his way out, when he caught sight of something while the door was closing.</p>
<p>Shizune brought Tsunade a cup of water and some pills for her migraine and the blonde woman held onto her assistant’s hand, looking thankful. It was such a tender moment that Kakashi greatly considered writing a story about a high-powered career woman and her much younger intern.</p>
<p>Kakashi shot down the idea, knowing fully well that Tsunade would assassinate him on the book tour herself if he did that. Oh well, the Copy Nin was full of great ideas and another one would surely come up during his travels.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And now a moment of silence for Neji’s booty hole. That was inspired by another fanfic called “Ultimate Taijutsu Technique” by Cyberwolf. It’s so funny. You know what’s coming the entire time and you still laugh anyway when it happens. Even after multiple reads.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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